Red neck Mama in the Hood

 Saw this bike parked in front of an apartment on my street. Guess there are red neck mamas all over the world, even in culture rich Amsterdam.You know you are desperate when you duct tape a plastic container on the front of your bike. Red neck mama can buy a $30 wind screen but not a $5 basket to go on the front of her bike. Wonder what the child's seat under the plastic trash bag is made out of...maybe its an old high chair, sawed off and duct taped on...gonna take a peek next time...

Mama's Night Out...

Mama: I walked into the cafe, heads were turning, I could feel eyes watching me as I took off my jacket to reveal a newly trimmed down sexy, curvy figure, only a mother can have. Out of my peripheral I could see I got the attention of a young stud sitting with his buddies just trying to act like he wasn't paying attention to me. I turned my head ever so slightly so the candlelight would highlight my best feature and lure him in even more. Maybe he would even come over to talk to me, and I would chat for a while and then casually mention I needed to get back to my darling family. He would openly display his disappointment while complimenting me on how wonderful I look for having two kids, and of course saying the Baby's daddy was a very lucky man. I would blush slightly (men apparently love blushed cheeks, Playboy uses this trick) and sexily put on my jacket, leave the cafe with the wind tousling my hair ever so seductively and hop on my Moeder bike and peddle off into the moonlight...Poor guy.

Young stud: Oh my God, the crowd is getting older and older in this place. Look what just walked in the door, Grandma. And oh my god, look at the way she is taking off her jacket. Oh my God, I just puked in my mouth. She has more chins than the Chinese phone book and look at those gigantic breasts...around her knees. Oh my god, and she keeps looking over here at me. Please god don't let her cougar up and come talk to me. Puke in my mouth again. She just turned towards me and oh my god...granny boobs...Oh thank god she is leaving, how annoying she keeps glancing at me..yuck. Oh and no surprise she has two baby seats on her bike...well guess she's got two grand kids.

Pregnant woman in corner: Look at this poor lady that just walked in. Look at those bags under her eyes, I bet she has kids. And look at that shirt. Poor lady, someone should tell her. Her friend should tell her. I would tell my friend. I would never let myself go that badly, even after 20 babies. Oops, just felt a kick. Aww, baby agrees. What a perfect baby, poor lady...

Lesbian at opposite table: Wow fresh meat walking in...false alarm. Maybe 10 years and 20 pounds ago...

Drunk old fart at the door: Yummy, its looking good for me tonite!

Mama Got Drunk

For the first time in a year, I went to the "baby" store, you know one of those stores that is the mecca for all expecting mothers. It wasn't like I HAD to go there, but I wanted to buy some new socks for the kids. I know, I could probably get socks anywhere in the world besides a baby store. I could have even gone to the supermarket and bought socks, but I felt this gravitational pull towards the "baby" store.

So I am walking around, looking at the the big bellies and baby buggies, lost in my own oblivion. It was like I couldn't think straight, like I was walking in a foggy forest full of expecting mommies and newborns. Awww, I could smell the sweet smell of baby bath and lotion, I became more intoxicated with each whiff. I began to pat my own recently slimmed-down-but-still-fat belly. I could remember the first time I felt Luca kick and Charly do one of her somersaults. I was drunk. I was drunk with baby fever. I had to get out before I was buying booties and the birth control pills were flushed down the toilet...

I somehow got out of there with my little angels in tow and mission accomplished...socks for all. But I couldn't shake the baby bliss buzz that I had...what if I just had one more, it wouldn't be so bad...right. My baby is almost potty trained and Luca starts pre-school in a few months...just one more, its only one more...

And just as I was about to call the babys' daddy to test he waters...I see a plume of projectile vomit come from the back seat into the passengers seat...and another...and another...regurgitated bananas everywhere. Charly was covered, the car seats looked like a snail fight and I had to pee so badly that I couldn't hold it any longer...Sobriety...Nope, ten birth control pills when we get home.