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| My baby on the bus looking so sad |
Throughout
life there are so many lists we want to be included on.
I can remember in
kindergarten wanting to be on the “Little Helpers” list and then the Honor Roll
list in grade school.
Before I knew it, I wanted to be on the list to graduate
high school and then the list to make it into journalism school.
Once I was old
enough, I wanted to be on the lists at the doors of my favourite clubs or
parties.
And luckily
enough I was included on all of these lists. And I guess for almost 40 years I
have taken this for granted, until today. Today I wasn’t on the list.
You see,
today was my son’s school trip to Sprookjeswonderland and Baby Daddy had signed
me up weeks ago to go as a chaperone. Matter of fact, I recall him saying to me
on the phone, “Great babes, you are at the top of the list.” At the time I didn’t realize
the significance of this statement.
All week
Luca and I had been talking about going on this trip together. I took a day off
from my work and woke up extra early to pack our picnic lunches. We sang on the
way to school and talked about all the things we would see today.
We bounced
into the classroom and it was like a beehive buzzing with excitement. Luca was bragging
to all of his friends, “My mama is going with us”. Then it was the time all the kids had been
waiting for, time to get in the groups with chaperones. The teacher began
passing out all the group information papers to the chaperoning parents. She
finally came to the bottom of the stack and every parent in the room got a
paper, but me. I was left standing there without a group.
I asked the
teacher why I wasn’t included and that was when she told me “I wasn’t on the
list.” Well actually I was on the list she said, but I was number seven and
they only needed six parents. Why hadn’t she told me earlier?
I choked
back the tears. I knew right away it wasn’t the truth. I knew why I wasn’t on
the list and I knew it deep inside for a very long time. I wasn’t like the
other parents. And the thing that broke my heart was that I knew I would never
be.
She left me
standing there with a little boy looking up at me with eyes begging me not to
say the words. But I had to, there was no other choice.
“Luca
sweety, mama can’t go this time, but the good thing is now I have time to go
buy you a dinosaur.” I didn’t know what else to say and yes I tried to buy away
his disappointment.
He
immediately began sobbing, like he does when he scrapes his knee or falls off
his bike. He was in pain. I was in pain. We were in a room full of kids and
parents and there was no where to hide. I was the outcast and my son was suffering
the consequences.
I hugged
him tight and tried to get myself together. By this point, several of his
classmates were surrounding him asking what was wrong with Luca? All I could say
was Luca was verdrietig. He was sad.
I am not
even sure what I said to him after that. I just smiled and held him trying to
convince him he was going to have the time of his life without mommy. By the
time we walked to the bus, the tears had dried up and I was able to convince
him to get on the bus.
I followed
his little shadow to end of the bus and I could see his sadness through the
tinted window. I just had to hold it together for a few more minutes until the
bus was just a silhouette down the street.
And I did.
I walked back to my bike feeling like a failure as a mother. I failed in trying
to fit in, learning the language, and being a part of my children’s culture. I
didn’t make the list this time and I doubted if I would.
Being a
mother is not easy, but being a mother in a place where you will never be
accepted adds another dimension of insecurity and self doubt. No one could imagine the beating that was going on inside of my head after I heard the news.
When I woke up this morning, I was a confident, strong mother and now I was this weak, irresponsible mother who couldn't be trusted with a small group of 4 year-olds. Two years of sitting in a classroom trying to learn everything I could about the culture and language washed down the drain. I knew nothing.
Of course,
I will get over it and my tears will be replaced with smiles when I pick my
little guy up from the bus this afternoon. However, I will spend half of the
day worrying about him and the other half convincing myself I am a good mother
and it doesn’t matter if I fit in.
What does
matter is that I have two beautiful souls that I call my children and no matter
what, I will always be on the top of their lists. Even though I won't always be on their most popular lists, I will know my kids love and accept me for who I am...a mother who will never be perfect but one who loves them with all her heart, just me.
