Thursday, December 20, 2012

Mama sees naked people!

Stripper pulls granny on stage, granny jumps on stripper
I had a rare day out and what better way to spend my day: watching hot, young things take it off! Yes, I am not ashamed to say it, I went to a male strip show! But let me say I'm not really into strippers, I like my men hetero and with a little fur!

A fellow mama asked me to join her and her girlfriends to the show: 10 euro tickets and the show started at 2:30pm! PERFECT for Mama to have a few drinks before the nakedness, enjoy the nakedness and be back home in time to feed the snot noses and put them in bed!

Wow, only 10 euros to go see a bunch of men take it off...but not all off of course. At least that's how its done in America (from what I can remember). The strippers NEVER take it all off. They tease you down to their thong and try to get as many dollars in stuffed inside.

WRONG! You don't even stuff money in their undies! Talk about cheap thrill!!

Thank goodness I had on my Depends undergarment pee-pee pads or my pants would have been soaked (from pee)! I don't think I have ever laughed so hard in my life. They do things much differently in Amsterdam!

First of all, we get into this very sheik restaurant/bar and there was no stage. We had no idea where the hotties would appear, but it wasn't long before we realized that the small step up incline was gonna be the stage.

Ok, its no secret Dutch women are generally tall so the only thing my midget self could see was the head of the first stripper in a zombie mask presumably dancing to Michale Jackson's Thriller. Whoohooo, a dancing Zombie head, I was so excited (NOT)! And that's when my friend grabbed me by the arm and lead me to the dark, secret corner, just next to the door where the hard bodies ran up on stage.

Of course I had seen my share of male strip shows and every time it was the same: Mr V. Gina the Gyny or Officer Pull over and Bend over comes out, dances around and slowly teases the audience with taking piece by piece his uniform off.

Well that is North America, they do things a lot different over in the Dam! Holy baby oil! The next thing I knew, I saw a police hat fly off and what looked like male body fluids shooting through the air over the crowd.

WHAT???  I squeezed myself in a hole to get a better look. Mr Police Officer was completely naked! His unbelievable large male appendage was flapping around the stage like a Dutch windmill during a hurricane.

First of all, I couldn't believe what I was seeing! A naked man gyrating on stage and his firehouse ready to put out the nearest fire. Yes, you heard me right! He was pumped and ready. Not fully ready, but definitely he was really excited about his job.

After I picked up my jaw from the floor and wiped away the drool (sorry Baby Daddy) I decided I was gonna have to see the next guy (fully) to see what he had to offer. I didn't even know what character he was suppose to be because as soon as he came on stage, he ripped every thing off and he wrapped a Dutch flag around himself pulling off his panties and hurling them into the audience!

He then poured baby oil all over his boy bits and a half bottle of white lotion and that was when I got the shock of a lifetime. He unwrapped his flag and started beating his "drum" while this lotion/baby oil concoction went flying all over the faces of the girls on the front row!

This was too much for Mama! Thank goodness this was the finale act! So I pulled up my Depends diaper and waddled off into the sunset...back to reality...where the men are lumpy, bumpy and furry. Ahhhh, but I will never forget my adventure and the day I saw it all!

Friday, December 14, 2012

Sinterklaas Conspiracy theory

Sinterklaas at my daughter's pre-school
I have a new conspiracy theory: The person who invented the Sinterklaas tradition had to be a well rested MAN because if you ask me, the entire Sinterklaas thing is a conspiracy against sleep deprived mamas. Don't get me wrong, I think it's so much fun...if you are able to remember where all the shoes are, when to fill the shoes and to actually buy something to put in the shoes.

The thing is that kids can leave their shoes to be filled all over the place. Home, supermarket, school, drugstore, wherever they offer! Its crazy, I have a hard enough time keeping up with my kids shoes at home much less where the hell they have placed other shoes. Matter of fact, I forgot  to fill the kids shoes one night at home. I worked late so they had already put them out by the time I was home and Baby Daddy just casually mentioned that they needed to be filled. I was so tired from a long day at work that I fell asleep before I could remember to fill the shoes with candy. The next morning the kids went running to check their shoes and of course they were empty. But they discussed amonst themselves that the Piets didnt put anything in their shoes because they forgot to sing. Ahhhh off the hook! But I was lucky and it couldn't happen again!

And with two kids in school, you have double the confusion. Example:
Monday: Leave a shoe in Luca's class and remember to put shoes out at home and Fill them when kids sleeping
Tuesday: Pick up Luca's shoe, deliver a shoe to Charly's class
Wednesday: Leave the shoes in the supermarket and remember to put shoes out at home and FILL, Thursday: Charly can pick up her shoe from school
Friday: Pick up shoes from the supermarket and remember to buy candy to fill shoes on Saturday

For you Santa celebrators, sound familiar? It's very similar, except Santa fills the stockings once a year, not 20 times in 3 weeks!

Thank goodness Sinterklaas has come and gone and I don't have nightmares about empty shoes! Now on Dasher, Prancer, Comit, Cupid, Donner and Blixen and Rudolph...