Thursday, November 19, 2009

Birth control

Two days without sleep. Two miserable sleep deprived long days. And its a job that requires 24/7 full time duty. There is no time off until the day you die and i am sure even when you are in heaven you are still worrying about your children. Once that little screaming piece of meat pops out, life as you know it, is over. Over. Nothing is yours anymore. Not even your thoughts. Because every second of the day you are thinking about your children. Every decision you make leads back to how it will effect your child. Yep you are a slave to the life of mommyhood.

But then one of the thousands of seconds that you waste in a day staring at the face of this little wiggly blob, you just happen to get a glimpse of yourself. Whether it is the way your babies toes curl to the right or the way she sleeps with one hand behind her head. You see yourself. Then its too late, your heart is eternally imprisoned and you begin to live.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

The God of Hairy Legs

The God of Hairy Legs has legs are to resemble those of a bear or better yet, a Sasquatch. Because that is what i felt like after months of having no time to shave and months before that, of not even being able to even see my legs.

Yet, today was to be a new day, I finally got the nerve to put on my bathing suit and take my son swimming. I was going to shave (ok I kind of have to) and finally attempt to feel somewhat like "The Woman" I used to be in 2007 BC (Before Children).

So I am in the shower, lathering up these legs that look more like something you would find in a zoo, and I start my first row of shaving. Well I cant even plow an entire row without having to clean out the clogged up razor. I knew right then I was looking at going beyond my allotted time to take a shower. Charly would sleep for another 10 minutes and Luca would only play about 10 minutes in his room without realizing my absence.

Sure enough, I finally completed the first leg when I saw little fingers prying open the shower door. I thought fast and gave him his toothbrush with toothpaste. A toothbrush with toothpaste is like Crack to Luca. He will suck on the toothpaste for an hour if you let him, you just have to keep dabbing a bit of the paste on the tip for him to keep up the addiction. He would suck and then wait patiently by the door for his next hit. It was a long shot but I was hoping it was enough time to get the other leg shaved.

He shut the door after the first dose of toothpaste. I thought to myself maybe he just wanted to see where I was and he would go back to his room to play. WRONG! This is where I think the God of Hairy Legs intervened. Angered at the destruction I was doing to such a fine specimen of hairy legs, I think the God had a hand in what was to follow because my angel Luca could never think of such a thing on his own : )

Charly's bed was not even three feet from the shower door so I could see her while showering. Well not a few seconds after Luca shut the door did I hear Charly coughing and choking. I knew immediately what was happening. Luca was trying to brush Charly's poor little non-existent teeth. Mid-shave I flung the door open to see my little devil running desperately out of reach of his raving mad half- shaved naked mommy. Dripping wet over the victim I was able to see no harm was done as Charly licked the minty paste from her lips.

Mission to save any feeling I had to be a normal woman was aborted. Shower time was over, with one leg shaved and the other with random stripes of cleanly shaven flesh. The God of Hairy Legs won and I will go to the swimming pool today, half woman half beast. And only dream of the time when the Razor and I may meet again.

Friday, October 30, 2009

Falling in love

A good friend of mine called me on the day i had my son and she gave me the most important and helpful and honest advice anyone ever gave me, ever. She told me not to expect to love my child right away. At the time i was flabbergasted that she could say such a thing. All mothers love their children at first sight. That's the beauty of being a mother...i thought.

As i held my son for the first time ( i had C-section so it was later) i had the most empty feeling one could ever have when holding their flesh and blood. Here was this screaming little bundle of meat trying to bite a hole in my already tender nipples and i felt no love. I was looking at a stranger. A person i created. I didn't recognize the face and i didn't recognize the smell. I was a freak. How could i feel this way after all the infertility troubles i had in the last year? It was a downward spiral that, thanks to my friend I was able to stop and let nature take its course.

Sure enough, it happened. I was holding him one day and i was changing a poopie. It smelled so sweet, it was the sweetest smell i had ever experienced. A smell only a mother could love. That's when i realized it happened. I was head-over-heels in love with my son Luca. And when i began to work again, it was even more apparent. I would rush home to see him. the only way i could explain to people without children was that it was like the feeling you get when you are first in love. You count every second until you can see that person again. No one else mattered in the world but that person. No one mattered but my sweet dear, perfect Luca.

And then came Number two...

Yep, with Charly I was a bit more prepared. I was prepared for the empty feeling. I had the wisdom to know that it was a new person coming into our house to live and we all had to get used to her. She was a new person created by us that would take time to get to know. It would take time to love her. It would grow like it did with Luca.

But what i wasn't prepared for was how long it took for me to finally fall in love. I waited patiently and it didn't help we had major breastfeeding issues and she only fed for a week. She rejected me and i took it personally. So on top of adjusting i had to get through this rejection.

To be honest, it took twice as long but sure enough it happened the first time she laughed out loud at my high pitched voice. She smiled and gurgled and I could feel my heart melting like the sweet drool trickling from her perfect little mouth. This was my daughter and I was so in love with her. It might not have been as intense as with the first but it was no less of a love affair. Each day i fall deeper and deeper for my two angels...

Waste Disposal Manager

As most people know being a mommy that stays at home with the kids all day often feels neglected, taken for granted and most importantly unsuccessful. Yeah, yeah you have these beautiful children you have created with hopefully someone you really love, blah, blah and all the cliches. But sometimes the cliches are not enough to get a mommy through the day. Dont get me wrong, i love my two beautiful children. Not to mention i thank God everyday for the opportunity especially since just three years ago, they told me i would never have kids. And like a lot of mommy's i have a career that i think i am half way successful at, but why do i not feel success when i am staying at home all day (on maternity leave) and molding the lives of my offspring. I will have to ponder this one for a while...

In the meantime i have come up with a solution on how to create my own success. As CEO and manager of my household i have found a way to tangibly measure my success. Forget all the touchy feely stuff that comes and goes with the wind. I thought to myself what was the one thing i could put a number to...Poopie diapers!

I dread them. I hate them. I will trade favors with my boyfriend just so i dont have to change them. Some days i spend the entire day scooping poop with these flimsy wipess that when combined with poop smell like a dirty hooker.

This is it! I will give myself the title in the Tanner/Blommestein house as Waste Disposal Manager and each day i will count how many poopie diapers i change. Maybe if i put it in black and white, i will feel just an inch of success in my job as a mother.