Friday, December 30, 2016

2016: Good riddance!

If I were a lizard, then 2016 was a dark tunnel I crawled through. It was a tunnel filled with unexpected jagged edges and razor sharp experiences that slowly ripped away my outer layer of skin.

When I crawled into the tunnel this time last year, I would have never expected to encounter the things that I did. 2016 was suppose to be my year -- to celebrate me and enjoy life, but instead I survived life.

I was sick a lot of the year to top it off and I struggled with my new body that my chronic disease has given me. I had to come to terms with the fact that this was the new physical me no matter how hard I tried to fight it. It was so hard to look into the mirror and accept what I saw. I struggled for endless nights thinking of new ways to try to get the weight off. I became obsessed and lost sight of the fact I just needed to be healthy, no matter my clothing size.

I also had to begin searching for a new job, which sounds quite exciting.But after 13 years of being in he same job, it was frightening. I wasn't the person from 13 years ago when I was last applying for jobs. I had to face reality that I was no longer the 20 something bouncy, full of confidence young women, but a middle aged, insecure woman who applied for job after job and received rejection after rejection. I had to find the positive in each rejection I was lucky enough to get several interviews, but for two of them I was deathly ill.

Even more painful was realizing that my kids were transitioning from little kids to big kids. They no longer wanted to do some of the special things we would do. They no longer wanted me to kiss them goodbye at school. They began to have strong opinions and talk back. They began to challenge me and confide in me their big people fears about life. My son realized we are all mortal and asked me every night before bed if I would die in my sleep. I could no longer protect them from the truths of the world. I could only hold their hands through the experiences and guide them. Gone were my babies, and I had to mourn that period.

It seemed 2016 was against me in every facet of my life.

I'm not gonna totally bash 2016, there were definitely good times. I look at  my kids and I see all the good 2016 had to offer. They are happy and healthy and that is all I ever want for them. And they grew into a new life phase with confidence.

But 2016 was a dark tunnel and somehow I emerged, and if I were a lizard, you could say I shed my old self in 2016. I look at myself now with this new shiny skin and know that I would not have this new outllook on life without the sucky year of 2016.

I came out stronger, wiser and able to face 2017, no matter what it brings. I have no expectations anymore. If there is one thing 2016 taught me, it was just to take one day at a time, that is all we have.

1 comment:

  1. Happy New Year Catina, Wouter, Luca and Charly! This was a heartfelt post and I could definitely relate to both the "looking for work a LOT older than the last time I did this" and the "I miss my babies" (which never goes away...) May this new year be a good one for us all.


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