Friday, October 30, 2009

Falling in love

A good friend of mine called me on the day i had my son and she gave me the most important and helpful and honest advice anyone ever gave me, ever. She told me not to expect to love my child right away. At the time i was flabbergasted that she could say such a thing. All mothers love their children at first sight. That's the beauty of being a mother...i thought.

As i held my son for the first time ( i had C-section so it was later) i had the most empty feeling one could ever have when holding their flesh and blood. Here was this screaming little bundle of meat trying to bite a hole in my already tender nipples and i felt no love. I was looking at a stranger. A person i created. I didn't recognize the face and i didn't recognize the smell. I was a freak. How could i feel this way after all the infertility troubles i had in the last year? It was a downward spiral that, thanks to my friend I was able to stop and let nature take its course.

Sure enough, it happened. I was holding him one day and i was changing a poopie. It smelled so sweet, it was the sweetest smell i had ever experienced. A smell only a mother could love. That's when i realized it happened. I was head-over-heels in love with my son Luca. And when i began to work again, it was even more apparent. I would rush home to see him. the only way i could explain to people without children was that it was like the feeling you get when you are first in love. You count every second until you can see that person again. No one else mattered in the world but that person. No one mattered but my sweet dear, perfect Luca.

And then came Number two...

Yep, with Charly I was a bit more prepared. I was prepared for the empty feeling. I had the wisdom to know that it was a new person coming into our house to live and we all had to get used to her. She was a new person created by us that would take time to get to know. It would take time to love her. It would grow like it did with Luca.

But what i wasn't prepared for was how long it took for me to finally fall in love. I waited patiently and it didn't help we had major breastfeeding issues and she only fed for a week. She rejected me and i took it personally. So on top of adjusting i had to get through this rejection.

To be honest, it took twice as long but sure enough it happened the first time she laughed out loud at my high pitched voice. She smiled and gurgled and I could feel my heart melting like the sweet drool trickling from her perfect little mouth. This was my daughter and I was so in love with her. It might not have been as intense as with the first but it was no less of a love affair. Each day i fall deeper and deeper for my two angels...

Waste Disposal Manager

As most people know being a mommy that stays at home with the kids all day often feels neglected, taken for granted and most importantly unsuccessful. Yeah, yeah you have these beautiful children you have created with hopefully someone you really love, blah, blah and all the cliches. But sometimes the cliches are not enough to get a mommy through the day. Dont get me wrong, i love my two beautiful children. Not to mention i thank God everyday for the opportunity especially since just three years ago, they told me i would never have kids. And like a lot of mommy's i have a career that i think i am half way successful at, but why do i not feel success when i am staying at home all day (on maternity leave) and molding the lives of my offspring. I will have to ponder this one for a while...

In the meantime i have come up with a solution on how to create my own success. As CEO and manager of my household i have found a way to tangibly measure my success. Forget all the touchy feely stuff that comes and goes with the wind. I thought to myself what was the one thing i could put a number to...Poopie diapers!

I dread them. I hate them. I will trade favors with my boyfriend just so i dont have to change them. Some days i spend the entire day scooping poop with these flimsy wipess that when combined with poop smell like a dirty hooker.

This is it! I will give myself the title in the Tanner/Blommestein house as Waste Disposal Manager and each day i will count how many poopie diapers i change. Maybe if i put it in black and white, i will feel just an inch of success in my job as a mother.