Friday, April 19, 2013

I feed my kids rotten meat

Here is the rotten meat in a box
My kids are FREAKS when it comes to eating. I am constantly reading or listening to other mothers complain about their children's eating habits. Either their children won't eat, or won't eat veggies, or will only eat sweets.

Not my kids. No, my kids love broccoli, cauliflower, green beans and even sprouts. They will eat just about anything you put in their dinner "bowl". They are like little hungry pups, literally lapping up their feed. Not normal!

And to really flip me out, they pretend their food is actually something else. Green beans are grass for the plant eaters and broccoli are baby trees. Hello, they are not suppose to know that trick! That was the trick I had ready up my sleeve to get them to eat their veggies.

Let me give you an example of the latest kookiness of my offspring. I decided to start acting like an old fart and work on my digestive sytem. So I bought myself a box of Kelloggs Bran. You know, that cereal that actually not only looks like little tree twigs but tastes like it too.

Well sometimes I eat it raw, or without milk and the other day I had left a bowl on the table while I went into the kitchen to grab a spoon.

Then I hear, "Yummmm carrion!" "Ahhh look Luca, I found some carrion." And I can then hear the sound of the bowl being tossed around the table from their lapping.

Yes, my kids were taking turns licking up bran cereal from my bowl (Ok I never said they had good table manners). Disgusting!

"Mama, we are eating carrion, we are T-Rexes!" First of all I have no idea what the hell carrion is, the only thing I know is that they talk about it on Dinosaur Train. So I look it up quickly on my phone: Dead, rotting, decaying meat.

So now every morning since, my kids jump on me begging for carrion for breakfast! Why can't my kids eat oatmeal or toast like the other kids. Nope, my kids insist on eat rotting dinosaur meat for breakfast! I told you, FREAKS!

Friday, April 5, 2013

Warning: Neighbors and Nakedness

Take a peek in an Amsterdam binnen tuin...see any nakedness?
For those of you who don't live in Amsterdam, here is a little fact: A good percentage of Amsterdammers do not have curtains in their living room (which is usually the only room that has windows facing the street).

You can literally take a peek into their lives. You can see all their precious treasures, beautiful art, old fashioned rooms, what they are watching on TV or in my neighbor's case, a big fat naked butt streaking across the house.

Yes, Bible Belt raised Southern Belle aka ME does not have curtains in most rooms of my house, just the two bedrooms. So, when I go from the shower on one side of the house to my bedroom on the other,  neighbors out on their balcony have front row seats to the "Naked Mama Makes a run for it show".

I mean, come on it's Holland, it's too cold to go on your balcony, so I thought I was safe trotting around in my birthday suit. And of course I have a bathrobe, but normally I do not have time to even wash my "pits" before the kids are killing each other, much less throw on a robe. And they don't make towels big enough towels in this country to cover a real woman's body. 

Sometimes I even settle disputes en route to the privacy of my bedroom that is why it's not shocking for me that my neighbor has seen me naked. 

I know, now you are wondering how do I know he has seen me naked. Well, it's not like he came up to me one day and said "Love that tight ass!"

Nope, I could tell when I saw him in the supermarket yesterday. He was walking out when I was walking in, I smiled and said hello and his face turned green and he looked like he was going to vomit. HELLO,  I was a social worker for five years; I know what Post Traumatic Stress Disorder looks like!

Poor guy couldn't get out of there fast enough. He practically kicked his toddler daughter out of the door. Last time I saw him he was all friendly and even said "Hello". 

So it doesn't take Sherlock Holmes to figure out why he reacted the way he did: He must have seen me streak across the house. He was probably out on his balcony  innocently smoking a ciggy or watering his plants and he got a shock of a lifetime.

I mean who could blame the guy. He has a skinny home-grown flight attendant Baby Mama and I am sure he has never seen such a sight before in his life. Dutch women only gain like 2 kilos when they are preggers and look like supermodels before their kids even start breastfeeding!

Therefore, you can imagine his trauma when he saw my body after birthing two babies. It's a miracle he didn't turn to stone after seeing the body with a "muffin top" even with my fat girl underwear on! 

Yep, he saw me! I guess I should be embarrassed and maybe even buy curtains, but actually I can't be bothered.  Maybe one day I will remember to buy some of those window stickers to block the view. Or maybe I just keep traumatizing my neighbors!