Thursday, November 19, 2009

Birth control

Two days without sleep. Two miserable sleep deprived long days. And its a job that requires 24/7 full time duty. There is no time off until the day you die and i am sure even when you are in heaven you are still worrying about your children. Once that little screaming piece of meat pops out, life as you know it, is over. Over. Nothing is yours anymore. Not even your thoughts. Because every second of the day you are thinking about your children. Every decision you make leads back to how it will effect your child. Yep you are a slave to the life of mommyhood.

But then one of the thousands of seconds that you waste in a day staring at the face of this little wiggly blob, you just happen to get a glimpse of yourself. Whether it is the way your babies toes curl to the right or the way she sleeps with one hand behind her head. You see yourself. Then its too late, your heart is eternally imprisoned and you begin to live.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

The God of Hairy Legs

The God of Hairy Legs has legs are to resemble those of a bear or better yet, a Sasquatch. Because that is what i felt like after months of having no time to shave and months before that, of not even being able to even see my legs.

Yet, today was to be a new day, I finally got the nerve to put on my bathing suit and take my son swimming. I was going to shave (ok I kind of have to) and finally attempt to feel somewhat like "The Woman" I used to be in 2007 BC (Before Children).

So I am in the shower, lathering up these legs that look more like something you would find in a zoo, and I start my first row of shaving. Well I cant even plow an entire row without having to clean out the clogged up razor. I knew right then I was looking at going beyond my allotted time to take a shower. Charly would sleep for another 10 minutes and Luca would only play about 10 minutes in his room without realizing my absence.

Sure enough, I finally completed the first leg when I saw little fingers prying open the shower door. I thought fast and gave him his toothbrush with toothpaste. A toothbrush with toothpaste is like Crack to Luca. He will suck on the toothpaste for an hour if you let him, you just have to keep dabbing a bit of the paste on the tip for him to keep up the addiction. He would suck and then wait patiently by the door for his next hit. It was a long shot but I was hoping it was enough time to get the other leg shaved.

He shut the door after the first dose of toothpaste. I thought to myself maybe he just wanted to see where I was and he would go back to his room to play. WRONG! This is where I think the God of Hairy Legs intervened. Angered at the destruction I was doing to such a fine specimen of hairy legs, I think the God had a hand in what was to follow because my angel Luca could never think of such a thing on his own : )

Charly's bed was not even three feet from the shower door so I could see her while showering. Well not a few seconds after Luca shut the door did I hear Charly coughing and choking. I knew immediately what was happening. Luca was trying to brush Charly's poor little non-existent teeth. Mid-shave I flung the door open to see my little devil running desperately out of reach of his raving mad half- shaved naked mommy. Dripping wet over the victim I was able to see no harm was done as Charly licked the minty paste from her lips.

Mission to save any feeling I had to be a normal woman was aborted. Shower time was over, with one leg shaved and the other with random stripes of cleanly shaven flesh. The God of Hairy Legs won and I will go to the swimming pool today, half woman half beast. And only dream of the time when the Razor and I may meet again.