Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Relax Mama, relax...

Phone booths still exist? and in the middle of forest?
For my birthday, Baby Daddy treated me to 80 minutes of relaxation with a facial and neck/shoulder massage. Ahhhh, an hour and half lying in a dark, quiet room with no children around. No screaming. No fighting. Nothing to do but get lost in peacefulness!

I climbed up on the massage table and surrendered all my stress to do nothing but relax. So I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and surrendered my thoughts to the process of relaxing :
  • If I had known I was gonna take my shirt off I would've worn a clean bra
  • Wow my boobs have gotten saggy, the Miracle bra ain't what it used to be
  • Wonder if she will notice my fat rolls, God Dutch women are skinny
  • Can't wait to relax, no kids...ahhhh
  • I cant believe I forgot to eat, I was too eager to taste my freedom.
  • Jez, I feel a storm brewing in my belly. Diarrhea? Gas? Yep, gas..
  • Gas...I forgot to fill the car up before we left, gonna pay twice as much for gas.
  • Ok, I am ready for my massage, please massage me! Touch me! Touch me!
  • Ahhh there she goes...deeper girlfriend, mama is stressed
  • Worked sucked this week but at least it was a break.
  • God what a rough nite with the kids. I am so tired.
  • I shouldn't have had that one beer. One beer!
  • My God i'm hungover.
  • Why dont my kids sleep?
  • I really have to let one fly, hope it doesn't make a sound.
  • There it went, silent but hopefully not violent.
  • Please don't let it smell, please don't let it smell...
  • I'm so tired of cleaning poop out of the bathtub.
  • Why do my kids poop so much?
  • Wowww that feels so good, ahhhhhhhh harder, harder!
  • Time for a new bra, gotta order a new bra. No, new boobs, gotta get me some new boobs.
  • Can someone shut that baby up in the hallway im relaxing in here!
  • Someone please feed the baby.
  • I am so hungry I could eat these cucumber slices off my eyelids.
  • Hope the kids are having fun.
  • Hope baby daddy is having fun.
  • Awww the kids are so sweet, I love them so much.
  • This would make a great blog post. Gotta remember, gotta remember...
  • I forgot to send an email
  • I forgot to hang out the last load of laundry.
  • What is this stuff she just put on my face, tingles
  • Didn't know she was gonna pluck the eyebrows. Holy shizzle sticks!!!
  • Keep going girl, I know I have more than 4 hairs in that uni-brow.
  • Ouch, that hurt, hello, i'm awake now.
  • It was raining when I woke up today.
  • I'm sick of the rain, please don't rain on my birthday.
  • Did I bring the kids rain boots?
  • I need to buy Luca new rain boots.
  • Hope I don't develop anymore skin cancer on my face.
  • Forgot to buy the sunscreen dermo recpmmended
  • Charly has an appointment with doctor this week.
  • This is my last day being 38
  • Where did my 30's go?
  • I'm gonna have a blowout party next year.
  • No I won't, too much work!
  • Yes I will, I deserve it!
  • Ahhhh this feels so good.
  • 40!!! i'm gonna be 40
  • Over the hill, over the hill!
  • Kids will need a nap.
  • Gotta let some more wind out...who cares if it smells, I feel good!
  • I should relax more often, this is amazing!
Facial girl: "Mevrouw, you can sit up now. Did you enjoy?"
Me: "You have no idea..."

Monday, November 12, 2012

Mama was just misunderstood

This is where it all went down, my grocery
I told a homeless man to die last week. Bless his heart, he was standing in front of the supermarket trying to sell his homeless society newspaper to make enough money to sleep in the homeless shelter and I told him to die.

As I walked out of the supermarket he said "Hi" and I happily responded with a big friendly grin on my face in a my slow southern accent "Die" (which probably sounded more like Dyyyye) So not only did he get insulted but nice and slow in case he didn't understand.

Of course I didn't mean to tell the guy to drop dead, what I meant to say was either "Dag" (the Dutch equivalent to hello or goodbye to someone you don't know) or "Hi" which was what I normally said in English. Instead he got one of my brain dead Mama Denglish combos "Die".

I walked past him feeling good about myself hoping that my sweet smile and salutation would maybe somehow just make this guy's day a bit brighter. It wasn't until a few seconds later that I realized what I had said. Jezzzzz! What an idiot I was, how could I get so confused! But then again I had just put pure coconut oil on my hair thinking it was conditioner, so obviously the elevator was not going all the way up.

I stopped walking away and thought to myself, maybe I should go back and explain to him what I was trying to say. But then again maybe he wasn't really paying attention. Besides, what would I say to him, "Hello mister, I am a mother who speaks two languages and I haven't slept in two days, my son has been awake all night last night and my daughter the night before and my hair is dripping with coconut oil and I had two really busy days at work and actually I haven't really slept in five years and I never know what language to speak in anymore because I am so confused because I can speak two languages.

Why would this guy care about my problems? At least I had a roof over my head and money to buy food. God, I felt terrible but I decided it was best to keep walking. I hoped that he didn't hear me or the blinding warmth of my smile made him temporarily deaf to my faux pas. I hoped that if he did indeed hear me that he wouldn't remember me the next time he saw me. I hoped and hoped feeling rotten all the way home...and then it faded into the back of my subconsciousness...

Until I went to the supermarket today and he was standing at the door. My heart raced when I saw him standing there, but surely he saw hundreds of people a day so how could he ever remember what each person said. So I sucked it up and began my walk of shame into the supermarket. I was brave and looked at him in the eyes and said "Hi".

He glared back and turned his head! He remembered! And he snubbed me! He snubbed me the way I often saw others snubbing him! Jez, I felt terrible! I wondered, was this how terrible he felt every time people turned their heads when he said hello.

As I walked around filling up my shopping basket, feeling horrible, I thought to myself, I was just misunderstood. I could fix it! I had to fix it! Besides, I can't afford to shop at the other supermarket and he was at the door everday. I had to face the problem and solve it!

So on my way out of the door I took a deep breath and walked straight up to the man. I touched his arm gently and looked deep into his eyes and gave him a slow wink and the word "Hi" rolled off my tongue like a bowling ball getting ready to go into the gutter.

With a surprised look he said hi and then a smile spread across his face and his eyes began to sparkle. SCORE! Forgiven! Finally, Mama was no longer misunderstood...so lesson learned...gonna stick to my trusty mother tongue, FLIRT!