Thursday, January 31, 2013

It's a sh*tty situation!

When you are preggers, no one warns you about all the funky things that happen to your body.

After you have the baby, no one warns you that they soon have strong opinions.

And when you are just finished with potty training, no one warns you about what happens to your toilet!

But I am here to tell you people out there, especially those still changing baby diapers, you just don't know how easy you have it.

I have now learned the truth about the Post-Potty Training Stage: The stage when your kids think they are good enough at wiping their own butts, so they don't tell you when they "go poop". And you are finally relieved that maybe after years of butt wiping, the only butt you have to worry about wiping is your own.

Then one night you learn the truth when you get up in the middle of the night to pee and you are too tired to turn on the light. You sit on the toilet and that is when you smell that all too familiar smell, but you are only doing a #1, so why is there a #2 smell? By this time you are awake and the smell is strong. It can only mean trouble. You stand up and turn the lights on, and that's when you see it...The Shit Smear! The newly anointed Toilet King or Queen has left their mark...and you sat on it!

Yes, that's when you get a fast education in the wide range of Smears that can appear anywhere in or around the general toilet area. And if you are not careful, you can fall victim like me, either by sitting on it, stepping on it or getting an actual feel for it on the door handle. The Smear can appear in numerous shapes and forms in the homes occupied by those new to the toilet and here are just a few that I have learned about so far:

Racing stripes - These are the obvious shit smears typically found in the toilet, also known as, Skid Marks but not to be confused with the underwear version. These smears are the innocent of all the smears since they are in the right place. And to be honest I am not sure if i want my kids using the toilet brush quite yet. Knowing my kids, it might end up in their hair or teeth.

Snail Trail- This was the first shit smear that I experienced. You can get the "Snail Trail" when your kid doesn't use the step stool to climb up on the toilet seat and kind of drags his/herself up and over, leaving a trail much like a snail or slug. This is extremely dangerous when going to the toilet in the middle of the night. Always turn on the light and check for Snail Trails.

The Mystery Smear - These smears can go days without being noticed mostly because they are often left in remote locations around the toilet or bathroom.  I almost always find these smears underneath my hanging toilet but how they got there I have no idea, nor do I want to know. These are the most difficult to clean since they are usually days old by the time you discover them. I now make a smear sweep to check under my toilet at least once a day.

Cave drawing - This is probably the most common smear in my household. This happens when the wiping goes beyond the toilet paper and the kid tries to rub off his/her contaminated fingers on the wall, thus creating the very primitive art form, cave drawing. To be honest, this type of smear can be further divided into sub-categories like abstracts, rainbow swirls or the dreaded full hand-print drawing. This is when you are happy your walls are tiled!

Recycled - This is the one that grosses me out the worst: There is nothing like grabbing a piece of toilet paper to find that someone has beaten you to the punch. Yep, its a Recycled piece of toilet paper. This is often accompanied by random pieces of paper stuck to the floor or in some rare cases on the toilet seat. The Wiper tried to cover his/her tracks literally and just forgot to rip off that last piece and flush. Always check your paper before use!

The Handle Scandal - Finally, you have the "Handle Scandal", when the experts have decided they are tired of wiping and just wanna make a not-so-clean get away. And of course the first thing they grab is the door handle to escape before mama realizes what they have done. I guess this is what we get for having a toilet so small we couldn't fit in a sink. After my first experience with the Handle Scandal, I promised to never again complain when I am sitting on a toilet and I have a sink shoved up my nose (you have to see a Dutch toilet to understand).

Poopy trapped - This is when your Pooper has sabotaged the toilet with all of the above. This normally happens only one time, because most probably you will go (as we say in SC) ape-shit-crazy threatening your child back into diapers.

You have been warned people out there still lucky enough to still be changing diapers! And buy lots of toilet bowl cleaner because believe me some of the things you will come across would even make the Tidy Bowl Man gag!

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