Relax Mama, relax...

Phone booths still exist? and in the middle of forest?

For my birthday, Baby Daddy treated me to 80 minutes of relaxation with a facial and neck/shoulder massage. Ahhhh, an hour and half lying in a dark, quiet room with no children around. No screaming. No fighting. Nothing to do but get lost in peacefulness!

I climbed up on the massage table and surrendered all my stress to do nothing but relax. So I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and surrendered my thoughts to the process of relaxing :

• If I had known I was gonna take my shirt off I would've worn a clean bra
• Wow my boobs have gotten saggy, the Miracle bra ain't what it used to be
• Wonder if she will notice my fat rolls, God Dutch women are skinny
• Can't wait to relax, no kids...ahhhh
• I cant believe I forgot to eat, I was too eager to taste my freedom.
• Jez, I feel a storm brewing in my belly. Diarrhea? Gas? Yep, gas..
• Gas...I forgot to fill the car up before we left, gonna pay twice as much for gas.
• Ok, I am ready for my massage, please massage me! Touch me! Touch me!
• Ahhh there she goes...deeper girlfriend, mama is stressed
• Worked sucked this week but at least it was a break.
• God what a rough nite with the kids. I am so tired.
• I shouldn't have had that one beer. One beer!
• My God i'm hungover.
• Why dont my kids sleep?
• I really have to let one fly, hope it doesn't make a sound.
• There it went, silent but hopefully not violent.
• Please don't let it smell, please don't let it smell...
• I'm so tired of cleaning poop out of the bathtub.
• Why do my kids poop so much?
• Wowww that feels so good, ahhhhhhhh harder, harder!
• Time for a new bra, gotta order a new bra. No, new boobs, gotta get me some new boobs.
• Can someone shut that baby up in the hallway im relaxing in here!
• Someone please feed the baby.
• I am so hungry I could eat these cucumber slices off my eyelids.
• Hope the kids are having fun.
• Hope baby daddy is having fun.
• Awww the kids are so sweet, I love them so much.
• This would make a great blog post. Gotta remember, gotta remember...
• I forgot to send an email
• I forgot to hang out the last load of laundry.
• What is this stuff she just put on my face, tingles
• Didn't know she was gonna pluck the eyebrows. Holy shizzle sticks!!!
• Keep going girl, I know I have more than 4 hairs in that uni-brow.
• Ouch, that hurt, hello, i'm awake now.
• It was raining when I woke up today.
• I'm sick of the rain, please don't rain on my birthday.
• Did I bring the kids rain boots?
• I need to buy Luca new rain boots.
• Hope I don't develop anymore skin cancer on my face.
• Forgot to buy the sunscreen dermo recpmmended
• Charly has an appointment with doctor this week.
• This is my last day being 38
• Where did my 30's go?
• I'm gonna have a blowout party next year.
• No I won't, too much work!
• Yes I will, I deserve it!
• Ahhhh this feels so good.
• 40!!! i'm gonna be 40
• Over the hill, over the hill!
• Kids will need a nap.
• Gotta let some more wind out...who cares if it smells, I feel good!
• I should relax more often, this is amazing!

Facial girl: "Mevrouw, you can sit up now. Did you enjoy?"
Me: "You have no idea..."

Mama was just misunderstood

This is where it all went down, my grocery

I told a homeless man to die last week. Bless his heart, he was standing in front of the supermarket trying to sell his homeless society newspaper to make enough money to sleep in the homeless shelter and I told him to die.

As I walked out of the supermarket he said "Hi" and I happily responded with a big friendly grin on my face in a my slow southern accent "Die" (which probably sounded more like Dyyyye) So not only did he get insulted but nice and slow in case he didn't understand.

Of course I didn't mean to tell the guy to drop dead, what I meant to say was either "Dag" (the Dutch equivalent to hello or goodbye to someone you don't know) or "Hi" which was what I normally said in English. Instead he got one of my brain dead Mama Denglish combos "Die".

I walked past him feeling good about myself hoping that my sweet smile and salutation would maybe somehow just make this guy's day a bit brighter. It wasn't until a few seconds later that I realized what I had said. Jezzzzz! What an idiot I was, how could I get so confused! But then again I had just put pure coconut oil on my hair thinking it was conditioner, so obviously the elevator was not going all the way up.

I stopped walking away and thought to myself, maybe I should go back and explain to him what I was trying to say. But then again maybe he wasn't really paying attention. Besides, what would I say to him, "Hello mister, I am a mother who speaks two languages and I haven't slept in two days, my son has been awake all night last night and my daughter the night before and my hair is dripping with coconut oil and I had two really busy days at work and actually I haven't really slept in five years and I never know what language to speak in anymore because I am so confused because I can speak two languages.

Why would this guy care about my problems? At least I had a roof over my head and money to buy food. God, I felt terrible but I decided it was best to keep walking. I hoped that he didn't hear me or the blinding warmth of my smile made him temporarily deaf to my faux pas. I hoped that if he did indeed hear me that he wouldn't remember me the next time he saw me. I hoped and hoped feeling rotten all the way home...and then it faded into the back of my subconsciousness...

Until I went to the supermarket today and he was standing at the door. My heart raced when I saw him standing there, but surely he saw hundreds of people a day so how could he ever remember what each person said. So I sucked it up and began my walk of shame into the supermarket. I was brave and looked at him in the eyes and said "Hi".

He glared back and turned his head! He remembered! And he snubbed me! He snubbed me the way I often saw others snubbing him! Jez, I felt terrible! I wondered, was this how terrible he felt every time people turned their heads when he said hello.

As I walked around filling up my shopping basket, feeling horrible, I thought to myself, I was just misunderstood. I could fix it! I had to fix it! Besides, I can't afford to shop at the other supermarket and he was at the door everday. I had to face the problem and solve it!

So on my way out of the door I took a deep breath and walked straight up to the man. I touched his arm gently and looked deep into his eyes and gave him a slow wink and the word "Hi" rolled off my tongue like a bowling ball getting ready to go into the gutter.

With a surprised look he said hi and then a smile spread across his face and his eyes began to sparkle. SCORE! Forgiven! Finally, Mama was no longer misunderstood...so lesson learned...gonna stick to my trusty mother tongue, FLIRT!

Crack-o-lanterns

Proof for those of you who think I make up these crazy stories

I hope my kids put me up in a really chic nursing home one day after what I have gone through to carve them Jack-o-lanterns.

First of all there are no pumpkin patches to load up the family and visit to pick out the perfect pumpkin. Matter of fact, I think the pumpkins are imported from the Lilliputians! Im sorry to say, but the pumpkins in this country are the size of a pumpkin seed in SC. I know Europeans make fun of America because everything is big, but when it comes to pumpkins, Bigger is better! And I should know, especially after trying to carve out 4 pygmy pumpkins for my kids.

I looked everywhere for a pumpkin that was bigger than an over grown apple. No luck and besides being so small ten of them fit into a mopping bucket, and half of them were rotting. In hindsight, should have gotten the rotten ones!

So I got home and invited 2 other kids over for the carving session. The kids had a blast drawing all kinds of things on their pumpkins, like dinosaur mouths and spooky eyes.

They were so excited and started arguing who was gonna have their pumpkin carved first...so I got out the carving tools (aka steak knife and spoon) and told the kids to stand back, Mama was ready to create masterpieces!

I tried to cut the first top. The knife wouldn't even pierce the skin. I tried again and again and I tried stabbing all over the pumpkins frantically. These pumpkins were like plastic fruit. I wasn't getting in!

The kids began to panic and my son asked me if he was gonna have his dino-lantern and of course then the tears poured. His little heart was breaking.

That was it! I was gonna carve these pumpkins even if I had to bust out the chain saw. Which I didn't, but I did try the hand saw. Nope, not even a shred of pumpkin came off. I even turned those little piece of poop pumpkins on their side and saw them in half. Then at least I could get in maybe carve at least some teeth and glue it back together. And my kids would think its normal to carve pumpkins with a saw.

No matter how hard I tried, the saw didn't work either. By this point, my son was sobbing and the other kids lost interest and walked away, thank goodness.

I was now on a mission: I was gonna carve these pumpkins even if it took me all night. And that's when my genius mommy friend came up with a brillant idea: boil the pumpkins to make them soft!

So I boiled up some water and threw in the pumpkins. I had never cooked a live pumpkin, I had always gotten mine from a can, so I had no clue how long to leave them in...obviously, because after my house began to smell like pumpkin soup, I pulled them out. Well let's just say they were no longer medium rare.

I somehow got them to the carving table and held my breath and stuck in the knife. Like Butter! A little too much like butter because with every slice the pumpkin began to implode. My hands were blistering as the steam was still rolling off the pumpkins. Of course I could have waited but 1) I was on a mission and 2) I was too scared if they cooled they would harden again. So I kept carving, 2nd degree burns and all.

I could only carve 3 out of the 4 or I would have been emergency room bound! By this point, the kids had forgotten that initially they had drawn faces on them and were amazed at what I had created. Yes, I won! All the stabbing, sawing, boiling and charred hands was worth it! My kids were learning the great American tradition Halloween and mommy carved them their first pumpkins that look like they are jacked up on drugs, Crack-o-lanterns!

Poop Plague

The two suspects watching the horses in our 'hood

I must have done some really naughty things during my childhood or the Big Guy upstairs has really got it in for me because I am getting the worst payback ever...the Tannerstein house is infested with a plague of S#IT!

It's the only explanation that I can think of because I was simply vacuuming the house when my son starts yelling that there was a piece of poop on the floor. I immediately turned off the vacuum and followed him to the crime scene.

I didn't have my glasses on for a close inspection but I thought to myself "there is no way someone has pooped in the middle of my floor!" I had just vacuumed that area 10 minutes earlier.

So what did I do? I turned on the vacuum and sucked up the brown odd-shaped object. Problem solved, it was probably a rotted wet leaf someone dragged in from outside. And that’s when I saw it...the tell-tell smudge that I had dragged with the vacuum across the room. I flipped the vacuum nozzle up and sure enough, the entire brush and inside tunnel was covered in what looked like melted chocolate and I almost vomited from the smell.

It was poop! But where did it come from? My daughter was away with her father so I grabbed my son by his britches and peeked down his pants...Nope, not even the usual skid mark. Where did this mystery poop come from? I began to search the house...there were no other pieces or piles to be found anywhere. I looked up at the celling, nope it was stark white, didn''t come from there. So where in the H-E-Double Hockey sticks did this piece of crap come from?

I interrogated my son and of course he said his sister did it before she left. Impossible she is still in diapers. I started to get paranoid, I had just gone to the bathroom before vacuuming (ok I’m sleep deprived anything can happen). I re-traced my trip to the toilet...nope not me either. Whose poop was this and most importantly why was it in the middle of my floor?

I had to put the investigation on hold; my house began to smell like a toilet. First thing was first, I had to clean out the feces filled vacuum. One packet of wipes later and the nozzle was back to normal, and only a lingering trace could be smelled when I stuck my nose up the tube. I turned on the vacuum and sucked up a few wipes hoping they would "wipe"on their way up. Not sure if they "wiped" but they definitely took the smell away. Good enough for me!

But later that evening another piece appeared. This time my son had stepped in it somewhere in the living room. He came running to Baby Daddy and I with the piece in his hand and his foot covered. As I dug out the poop from his toenails, we re-opened the investigation. Still no leads and now both Baby Daddy and I were puzzled from the poop mystery.

And just when I thought the poop plague had ended, the next morning I found a random piece in the bathroom, lying just in the crack of the door. Like the others, it was an odd shaped piece with a fresh texture. Ok, this was getting out of hand. My kids denied it profusely and I began to really think I was cursed.

Since the infestation, I am on constant poop patrol, monitoring every nook and cranny of my house. I know I’m slowly losing it but this is too much. The mystery remains unsolved, but there hasn't been any unexplained poop sightings in two days now. Maybe the Big Guy or Poo Gods have taken mercy on me. Who knows, but I do know that now I will never complain again about poopy pants, diapers or skid marks. At least they are contained! And I know the source!

Hopefully, the Poop Plague is over but the mystery remains unsolved and with the only witness being an unreliable pooper himself, I guess I will never know...

Mama Wins!

My babies exploring a rabbit hole in Buurser

Ok, well I didn't win Expatica's "i am not a tourist" blog competition this past weekend, but I did win something even better: a moment in my life I will never forget, 2 minutes of my babies watching their Mama and being proud!

As one of the three finalists in the competition I had to stand on stage and read one of my posts in hopes to get the most cheers to win the competition. I was a nervous wreck before getting up on stage, but not because I was scared to stand up there, but because I was scared about reading the particular post that I had chosen. I selected the one about my breast getting stuck in the Mamography machine in honor of Breast Cancer Awareness Month. I also chose this post because it was a post that really represents what my blog is all about: not only being a Mama but also being a woman. So, I had to be brave and talk about my "girls" in front of a room of strangers and I wasn't sure how it would go over...

So I am up on stage, shaking...my voice quivering as I am reading. I could feel the pressure of the audience's glare. The first time I looked up from reading, I saw the face of an old man sitting on the back row. His jaw was hanging and I could only imagine what he was thinking. I felt like melting off the stage. Maybe I had chosen the wrong post. Maybe I should have chosen one a bit less personal, but then again my entire blog is personal.

I somehow switched on auto-pilot and continued reading the post. I then looked down at my babies sitting just on the front row. They were sitting there so still, so quiet, and for once they were listening to their Mama!

I first caught the eye of my daughter, she was mesmerized, staring up at me like she does when she is watching Dora. Today, I was her Dora! I began to get a little excited and I could feel my self-confidence start to bubble inside and I continued reading. But this time, with no shaking and no insecurity.

Then I paused again and looked down at my son. And that was when I almost lost it! He was looking at me with his sweetest eyes. He was so in love with me. He was so proud of me. I was the center of his world (and I'm not 6 and blonde). I could almost feel how proud he was to call me his Mama...My kids were proud of me and most importantly, my kids were watching me follow my dreams.

Suddenly, I realized what this moment meant for me in my life. I took a deep breath and tried to take it all in, the smells, the sound, the people and the faces of my two little ones and the love that I felt! For me, it didn't matter who won the competition. In my heart, I had already won. I was showing my kids it was OK to be who you are and not to care about what other people think. I had chosen the right post after all and I would never doubt myself ever again. I was taking my kids on my journey, chasing my dreams and hoping that one day they would remember my example and follow theirs. What more could a mother want for her children?

By the end of the reading, my heart was bursting and I was high on the sweet smell of my children's love. I immediately walked off the stage and into the arms of my babies. They clung to me like never before and I just closed my eyes and enjoyed the moment...

I was in another world until my son grabbed my face and said "Mommy, I love you" and kissed me on my cheek. My daughter then pushed him out of the way and jumped on my lap, "Mommy, I pooped."  Ahh, I wasn't her Dora after all, she was just making poopies!

Nevertheless, I will take what I can get these days...even if it is poop in one hand and pride in the other (literally)!

Support Mama!

I just want to say thanks to everyone who voted for my blog in Expatica´s ``i am not a tourist`` blog competition. I still can´t believe that I am one of the 3 finalist along with Taal Tale and MissNeriss who will read out a blog post for cheers during the expat fair this Sunday, 7 October 11:30 am at Beurs van Berlage in Amsterdam!

So please, if you have time come by and shout really loud for me when I read my favorite blog post so I don´t pee in my pants from embarrassment!!! And not to mention enjoy the fair!!

Get your free tickets here http://www.expatica.com/iamnotatourist/getticket.php

Fifty Shades of Men have no clue

Now this is romantic! Baby Daddy made me a mouse

Just like a million other S&M loving mothers, I too read Fifty Shades of Grey. As a writer, I thought it was terrible, but I won't go into that except to say it gives me hope. But as a girl who loves me some whips-and-chains mixed-in with a highly intense romance, I say "Yummy, Yummy to Mama's Tummy" (or wherever else Christian Grey wants to punish me!)

Never-the-less, I didn't have time to read the full series (my kids needed me to read Tiger Mama ASAP), instead I just followed my sister's progress through the other two books. And, yes, Anastasia ends up like the rest of us wide-eyed innocent virgins-turned sex beasts, at home with the babies waiting for Baby Daddy to come home, tie us up and whip our naughty cellulite-ridden butts!Yee-haw!

Anyway before my brain cell forgets why I'm really writing this post... today on the radio and apparently everyday this week, a group of male Dutch DJ's are reading 50 Shades and having group discussions on what they had read the night before. When I tuned in today, they were discussing the piano scene, you know where there are some ORAL discussions (and Bach probably rolled in his grave).

Well, I almost peed in my pants laughing at these three men discussing this scene. First of all, they were like little boys giggling at words like "clitoris". Come on guys, I know you don't know where it is but don't laugh and just ask, we will gladly tell you! And then suddenly, they became serious when discussing the ORAL part of the scene. They were shocked at how well Anastasia was able to carry out her debut performance and able to swallow such a task. Ha, me too!

Anyway, this lead to the discussion that ALL Woman think Christian Grey is the ideal man! What? Christian Grey? WHATEVER! He may be hot, a sugar daddy, young and mysterious but HELLO, PSYCHO! Yes, we women love it when a man stalks us, tries to control our lives, tell us what to eat, tell us what to wear and worst of all, obligates us by a contract to have sex. Unless I am working in the Red Light District, no one is telling me when, where and how to have sex (if I ever have it). Not to mention, if a man would take me to his Room of Pain he would quickly see my ass and elbows because I would be running out of there so fast! Sorry, but childbirth was enough pain for me for a lifetime!

Yes, where was my Christian Grey when I was looking for a Baby Daddy? Guys, hate to have to tell you but, as usual you have women all wrong! Women like Men from Mars not from Planet of the Apes! We like the fantasy of Christian Grey and this is because he is NOT ideal. He is what our mama's told us to stay away from! And Guys, we are just like you, we like to have fantasies about things we can't or shouldn't have!

And if this was not enough, they went on to discuss a recent study saying women who are consistently entertained by romantic films and books have unrealistic views on relationships. No, no, no, no...whomever came out with this so-called study has it all wrong! Give us some credit! First of all, we work our asses off taking care of everyone else so we must find ways to take care of ourselves, like relaxing by escaping reality...And what a better way than reading a romance novel or watching When Harry Met Sally for the 1000th time...because in our reality, romance is hard to come by between wiping poopy butts and kids screaming during mama/daddy time! And we KNEW this would happen the minute we shot these little people out from between our loins...not only would our life change but also our relationships and most importantly our partners...it's called Being realistic...

Come on, we don't expect men to behave like these so-called ideal romantic characters. And if they did, how could we ever appreciate the small meaningful things in life...If Baby Daddy came home with flowers for me everyday and read me a love poem just before bed, it would only mean more work for me taking care of one more thing in my house and trying to keep my eyes open not to be rude when I just want to sleep. I would never learn to appreciate the small things in life like when he orders me the extended cable package or downloads all seasons of Star Trek Voyager.

And guys its ok...we know you have no clue about us...that's what we love the most, that you keep trying to figure us out! Keep trying and maybe one day you can tie us up! haha